The Revised Terms and Conditions of Santa’s Employment

Dear Mr S. Claus

It is with regret we are to inform you that a complete revision of your employment as Father Christmas has been ordered. Due to a steady stream of online complaints and concerns regarding your current work ethics we have no choice but to instruct you of the changes to be implemented, with immediate effect to your on going role.

The Snowflake Society have been closely observing your work and analysing certain elements in accordance to the “Offence and Sensitivity Scale” and we are afraid in certain areas you have failed. Please read the following changes to your contract carefully and adhere to them forthcoming.

The Workshop

  • All toys will be redesigned in gender neutral colours. Pink and blue are forbidden.
  • Employment of elves will be open to all heights not only those under 4 ft.
  • The Naughty or Nice list will be abolished due to a growing concern fearing this type of labelling children will affect them for all eternity.

Sleigh and Flight Procedures

  • A full MOT will need to be passed before flight and tax paid directly to the DVLA. This includes a backdated payment of at least 10 years, due immediately.
  • As an advisory, inclusion of other species of animal to pull the sleigh is recommended, to ensure this is not a stereotyped position just for reindeer.
  • Rudolph should be offered follow-up therapy to express any insecurities he has held throughout the years in regards to his shining, red nose.
  • It has come to our attention that an excessive amount of alcohol has been consumed whilst in charge of the sleigh. Please ensure all drinks gifted upon yourself are non alcoholic.

Delivery of Presents

  • Written permission will need to be acquired before entering any property to deliver presents.
  • When arriving at a property via roof top, you must ensure any damage to roof tiles caused by yourself, is noted and compensation issued in due course. The same applies to any damages or mess occurred inside the property e.g. soot marks on carpet.
  • Due to the continual rise in obesity, an email will be issued to all parents to ensure treats left for your consumption will be only those classed as “healthy snacks.” Mince pies will be strictly forbidden due to their calorific content.
  • Similarly any snacks left for reindeer must be organic.
  • Any wrappers from snacks should be disposed of in the correct recycle bins at the property.
  • As of 2019 specially installed “reindeer waste” bins will be available on roof tops across the world. Please collect all reindeer poo into bags and place in the bin provided, not discarded on roof tops.

We hope that you understand the need for a revision of your last employment terms and conditions. To keep abreast of any other issues that may become a problem in future Christmases please take time to read over the numerous posts in Facebook Community Pages. Here you will find the many grievances that affect and offend your clientele. It would also be useful for you to familiarise your vehicle (sleigh) to the public to ensure people concerned about loitering vehicles will be put at ease before reporting via the Facebook groups.

We wish you a healthy, happy new year and look forward to welcoming the new changes to Christmas in future years.

The Snowflake Society

PS. voting is still live for the UK Blog awards and I am still bugging those who love my work and feel I deserve a well-earned night out at an awards ceremony to vote for me here on this link! Many thanks as always.

https://blogawardsuk.co.uk/dk_vote_post_entries/cockney-in-the-countryside/

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